On Chocolates and Perspective

I wrote this 2 nights ago:

I was supposed to be on a bus to Sagada. Instead, I'm home musing.

I felt a little sad on the way home tonight. I boarded the shuttle, but impulsively went off after 3 minutes. I went to Starbucks and got myself a Chocolate Chip Frappucino. I was hoping to uplift my spirits. Earlier today, I began a spiel on chocolates and Harry Potter with an officemate. I stopped mid-sentence, thinking he might not really be interested in chocolates and/or Harry Potter. I was supposed to make a point on how I thought J.K. Rowling was brilliant on her idea of chocolates making people better after a dementor-attack. As Wikipedia relates it, "a dementor is a soul-sucking fictional fiend" and that "Chocolate is an effective first aid to mild cases of contact. This may be because chocolate is a source of serotonin, an anti-depressant chemical."

Anyway, half-a-grande of the choco chip frap later, I wasn't sad anymore. Miracle? I don't think so. Coz I wasn't exactly jumping with joy, I was just...lightheaded. It's as if I gained a certain perspective as I sipped, texted and stared at the purple couch, all at the same time. It could've been epiphany for me, minus a person to share my thoughts with.

I would've loved a girl friend at that moment. So I tried to call up one. She's not in Makati. I texted another. She's at work ("sorry,girl,can't leave"). The other one's presumed to be busy, so I brushed her off my "possibles". I would've called on another usual coffee-mate but her office is 4 long blocks away.

I gave up on girl friends. Being "in the moment", I opted for a friend whom I've dated a couple of times. He almost always brought refreshing insights. I thought - refreshing...that's not bad for me now, is it? So what the heck, I texted him (I made up a story for the invitation be as casual as possible). And what do you know, he's in a meeting!

Bakit ba palaging ganito? Kung kelan kailangan ko ng kausap, wala silang lahat. Hindi nila kasalanan. At choice ko rin namang hindi istorbohin yung iba. Pero minsan, hay... nakakalungkot talaga.

At home, I tried to walk with my perspective. I walked to and fro on our frontyard, cigarette on hand. Puff. Step, step, step. Pause. Long stride. I did it for 10 times or so, when I noticed Chubby (our dog) was looking right at me. I sighed. I felt like he understood. The dog understood. Or maybe he was just thinking how stupid I looked.

I love him just the same. Coz he's there, when the others weren't.

my spot

I don't have a spot. You know, that place you that go to - when you're sad, when you just hate the world, or when the world hates you, or when you simply want to be by yourself. Movie and tv characters almost always have one in their moments of emotional self-indulgence. I've always wanted one. I've envied the main character's serenity when she (of course now, I'm imagining a girl) reaches her spot. In my mind, she ran all the way from the comfort of her own bedroom, wanting to get away from it all. You visit the spot when you're tired. When you're lost. When you're overwhelmed. Rarely when you're happy. But it's ok... because your spot will always understand.

Sometimes, in my desire for that place, I could almost feel it around me, hugging me in a way that only it can. It encloses me, yet I am free in it. I could almost hear the scattered noise from a distance. I could almost see the colors - mixing and swirling and then fading towards the horizon.

I have one wish now: Bring me there.

Escaping sleep

I have a research paper to write. In my utter laziness during crunch time, I've decided to blog. I figured this would help me express myself better. It will make me write more inspired sentences. It could unclog my mind of unwanted stress. It will free me.

Yeah, right.

Ok, I can begin my first post now. With what I really planned to write about -- nothing. I just wanted this space. For myself. Now. And the simple joys that it brings: (1) It is mine. And because it is a free cyberspace, (2) It is yours too. (3) It's better than paper (or not). Well, that's debatable. (4) It is unknown to anybody I know as of writing, and thus, is a secret. And finally, (5) I can write enough sh*t in it. (Sh*t that I might just put in my paper have I not decided not to sleep and start blogging.)

(ALT-TAB)

I should really get this research paper going.