Childhood Frustrations

My mother said something to me once, and it stuck to me. She said, "Kaya ka ganyan ngayon kasi nung bata ka, hindi ka bata e." She was referring to my being makulit and mababaw. I was "Weee!"-ing over ice cream while clapping my hands when she said that. In my mind, I retorted, "Well, I've decided that I want to stay young at heart, what's wrong with that?"

Being the pensive me, I pondered more about my childhood. I remember being happy. But I also remember when I stopped being a child. When all of a sudden, life became unfair, sad and serious. And now, I thought about all of the things that I wanted back then, but never had. Here are some...

1. I wanted a doll house. Like other girls, I wanted my Barbie dolls to live, cook and party in pink and white houses, too.

2. I wanted to be a ballerina. I just thought how ballet-dancing was so beautiful and graceful. And of course, I wanted to wear those skin tight leotards with the fluffy skirts.

3. I wanted to be Little Miss Philippines. I thought how wonderful it would be to show-off my talents on TV, like all those little girls, with my Mom standing in the audience - mouthing the right answers to Tito Joey's questions. Every year, I'd longingly ask my Mom if it was the year that I'd join. My friends laugh their hearts out when I tell them about this. But I won't deny that I cried myself to sleep when I turned past the contest's allowed age.

4. I wanted cute girly stuff on Christmas. I envy my cousins after we've opened our gifts and I see their stockings, toy make-ups, little purses with stars on them, clips and headbands. All I got were books.

5. This may be a surprise, but I wanted to play basketball. Yes, you read it right. I wasn't all about kakikayan before 16, that's for sure (Hehe..). I grew up in a house with 3 boys as playmates - my brother and my two cousins. All they played with were matchboxes, G.I. Joes, tex and basketball. I used to watch when they played hoops. Gusto ko talagang sumali, pero...babae ako e. :-/

I had a good deal of fun as a child. And even if I wanted to go back, I know it isn't possible. Buti na lang pwedeng mangarap...malay natin, isang araw matuto rin akong mag-basketball. ;)

Unsuper-gluing myself

Two nights ago, I super-glued myself. I was fixing something, and I had to use a strong adhesive. Unfortunately for me, the super glue trickled down my legs (I was slumped on the floor while I was super-gluing). I reacted pretty quickly and wiped the sticky stuff with my fingers and ran straight to the bathroom. I did what my instincts told me to do - i washed it off with water. Cold running water. I removed some, and waited for the remaining glue to dry before I peeled it off my skin. Now, if I only knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, I wouldn't have left ugly red marks on my legs and fingers.

But anyway, thanks to ehow.com, I found out the "correct way" of removing super-glue off of my skin (a good 30-mins after my bathroom scenario). And I quote the ff. instructions:

STEP 1: Do not attempt to tear or force
apart the glue. This could tear your skin.

STEP 2: Apply acetone-based nail-polish
remover to the area. The acetone breaks down the bond.

STEP 3: If there's a lot of glue on your
skin, soak the skin in nail-polish remover to dissolve the bond.

STEP 4: Clean the area with soap and water
after removing the glue.

STEP 5: If you don't have nail-polish
remover, soak the affected skin in warm, soapy water.

STEP 6: Slowly roll the skin to work apart
the bond as the warm water soaks through. Continue doing this until the skin is
free of glue.

I ran out of nail polish remover, so I still have a remembrance over this clumsiness - I have a wierd-looking dried super glue on one of my finger nails. :-/

christmas wishlist

(These are top of mind things listed in the spur of the moment. Not in any particular order.)

1. laptop - I'll get this one for myself. I hope.
2. perfume - I want a new scent...something that will make me fall out of love with Clinique Happy.
3. Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides - I heard it's a good read.
4. Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger - It's a shame, but I haven't read it.
5. name necklace ala-Carrie-Bradshaw - my tribute to Sex and the City
6. Godiva Chocolates - Mmmmm...
7. yoga mat - I miss Lara of Fitness ABS. (I lied. Haha.)
8. a new headset - Altec Lansing or Sony
9. a new iPod - i'm kidding
10. pencils - I just love 'em. :)
11. red shoes - I've been imagining outfits with an evil-red-pair for quite some time now.
12. little black dress - I wanna be Audrey Hepburn. Or dress like her.

Can't think of anything more. Perhaps a bottle of wine shall seal the list. And oh...I need reasons to drink the holidays to. Haha. Cheers! ;)

On Chocolates and Perspective

I wrote this 2 nights ago:

I was supposed to be on a bus to Sagada. Instead, I'm home musing.

I felt a little sad on the way home tonight. I boarded the shuttle, but impulsively went off after 3 minutes. I went to Starbucks and got myself a Chocolate Chip Frappucino. I was hoping to uplift my spirits. Earlier today, I began a spiel on chocolates and Harry Potter with an officemate. I stopped mid-sentence, thinking he might not really be interested in chocolates and/or Harry Potter. I was supposed to make a point on how I thought J.K. Rowling was brilliant on her idea of chocolates making people better after a dementor-attack. As Wikipedia relates it, "a dementor is a soul-sucking fictional fiend" and that "Chocolate is an effective first aid to mild cases of contact. This may be because chocolate is a source of serotonin, an anti-depressant chemical."

Anyway, half-a-grande of the choco chip frap later, I wasn't sad anymore. Miracle? I don't think so. Coz I wasn't exactly jumping with joy, I was just...lightheaded. It's as if I gained a certain perspective as I sipped, texted and stared at the purple couch, all at the same time. It could've been epiphany for me, minus a person to share my thoughts with.

I would've loved a girl friend at that moment. So I tried to call up one. She's not in Makati. I texted another. She's at work ("sorry,girl,can't leave"). The other one's presumed to be busy, so I brushed her off my "possibles". I would've called on another usual coffee-mate but her office is 4 long blocks away.

I gave up on girl friends. Being "in the moment", I opted for a friend whom I've dated a couple of times. He almost always brought refreshing insights. I thought - refreshing...that's not bad for me now, is it? So what the heck, I texted him (I made up a story for the invitation be as casual as possible). And what do you know, he's in a meeting!

Bakit ba palaging ganito? Kung kelan kailangan ko ng kausap, wala silang lahat. Hindi nila kasalanan. At choice ko rin namang hindi istorbohin yung iba. Pero minsan, hay... nakakalungkot talaga.

At home, I tried to walk with my perspective. I walked to and fro on our frontyard, cigarette on hand. Puff. Step, step, step. Pause. Long stride. I did it for 10 times or so, when I noticed Chubby (our dog) was looking right at me. I sighed. I felt like he understood. The dog understood. Or maybe he was just thinking how stupid I looked.

I love him just the same. Coz he's there, when the others weren't.

my spot

I don't have a spot. You know, that place you that go to - when you're sad, when you just hate the world, or when the world hates you, or when you simply want to be by yourself. Movie and tv characters almost always have one in their moments of emotional self-indulgence. I've always wanted one. I've envied the main character's serenity when she (of course now, I'm imagining a girl) reaches her spot. In my mind, she ran all the way from the comfort of her own bedroom, wanting to get away from it all. You visit the spot when you're tired. When you're lost. When you're overwhelmed. Rarely when you're happy. But it's ok... because your spot will always understand.

Sometimes, in my desire for that place, I could almost feel it around me, hugging me in a way that only it can. It encloses me, yet I am free in it. I could almost hear the scattered noise from a distance. I could almost see the colors - mixing and swirling and then fading towards the horizon.

I have one wish now: Bring me there.

Escaping sleep

I have a research paper to write. In my utter laziness during crunch time, I've decided to blog. I figured this would help me express myself better. It will make me write more inspired sentences. It could unclog my mind of unwanted stress. It will free me.

Yeah, right.

Ok, I can begin my first post now. With what I really planned to write about -- nothing. I just wanted this space. For myself. Now. And the simple joys that it brings: (1) It is mine. And because it is a free cyberspace, (2) It is yours too. (3) It's better than paper (or not). Well, that's debatable. (4) It is unknown to anybody I know as of writing, and thus, is a secret. And finally, (5) I can write enough sh*t in it. (Sh*t that I might just put in my paper have I not decided not to sleep and start blogging.)

(ALT-TAB)

I should really get this research paper going.